Defeat

I've found lately that I've started to accept defeat. Aside from continuing to apply to grad school, most things that I like to do, or at least would like to do, have met a bump in the road. My problem is, these bumps really aren't that big, and I've started to easily accept this defeat, "Yup, this is it, oh well." For example, I was supposed to spend this entire weekend in Pittsburgh at PittStop Lindy Hop. I love this event, and I love all of the people there. I got out of a busy day at work Friday and I literally broke down because I didn't want to go anymore. I was tired, I felt like I was rushing myself, and I knew from recent experience that I am in no physical shape to expend upwards of 24 hours of dancing in one weekend. I felt like a let down to my friends, and like an incredibly important part of my life was just slipping away from me. In the end, I decided to go to just the Saturday evening dance to see my friends and my favorite band, Gordon Webster. I only danced three mid-tempo dances in the two hours I was there, and I still felt like I overexerted myself. At that dance, I decided that maybe it's time to take a break from seeking out dance. In college, I was able to do it at least twice a week. I was in shape, and I had people I wanted to dance with. After graduation, my dance friends are sparse, and I don't have as many outlets readily available. I've started to feel badly about myself when I feel like crap after one dance, and I don't like that. I truly do enjoy dancing, but lately, I don't like the way it makes me feel, and that's partly on me for letting myself go. Lindy Katie: Defeated.

Similarly, working out has taken a back seat. In high school I worked out twice a week with my mom. In college, I slacked, but I was dancing so I was getting good cardio. Now, I rarely go. I've felt the effects (gaining weight, not being able to last as long at a dance), but I'm relatively apathetic about these things. I'm pretty happy with my body image. I don't feel like I need to be skinny, or trim, though I sometimes do gripe about it. It's not enough to make me want to get up and go. Therefore, I see no reason to spend much time on working out, even though the health benefits are prevalent. Fit Katie: Defeated.

I've become incredibly apathetic about these things. I've fallen into a rut, where I'd much rather lay in my bed and watch TLC show repeats. I already know which dress she's gonna choose, and I know what she looks like after her makeover. But hey, what else is there to do? It's freezing outside, and I don't want to be out in that, so here I sit. I realized that I'm actually wasting my life away here in my childhood bedroom. I think if I had to be out on my own, learning on my own, supporting myself, I'd be much more quick to explore, work out, actually do something with my life. Motivated Katie: Defeated.

For that reason, I'm incredibly excited that I have a phone interview for a job in DC. I'm so ready to start over new, finally be on my own, and get my life together. I'm tired of laying here, and even though I acknowledge it, it's hard to move on when I'm in a setting where I'm so comfortable. I'm not complaining about this situation that I have complete control over, and I'm not sure that I'm trying to set goals, because honestly, I know that I never pull through with the lifestyle change goals that I set for myself. I just want to put it out there, so you guys can hold me accountable. I've become kind of depressed in my routine, but my apparent apathy and lack of motivation about most things lately just keeps pulling me back. Maybe it's the winter.

Sorry for the downer post. I'm not even sure that this evolved how I wanted it to. I just wanted to get it down in words, to help me see how much work I have to do on myself.

I came across this quote on another blog, and I've been trying to apply it to my life. Hopefully I can pull through soon enough.

If only...

(One of) My Best Friend's Wedding!!

This past weekend, Gordon, one of my best friends from college got married! When he introduced me to Sam during my junior year, I adored her from the moment I met her. We became quick friends and I'm glad to call both of them two of my closest friends.

The wedding was in Kalamazoo, MI, so I planned a mini road trip with my date Amanda. None of my guy dates, including Adam, were able to make it, so I figured a girls weekend would be great! The 4 1/2 hour drive there was quick and easy, and we arrived quite hungry! We threw our stuff down in our room (very stylish and nice for the price) and ran off to my fave, Applebee's.

For some reason, I thought that the wedding was at 2 pm. We drove to the venue, only to find no guests, and Sam's dad dressed in jeans. I asked if the wedding was still at 2, and he said it was at 3. Needless to say, I was embarrassed. I think I learned something about myself; that I can't remember what time something is if it's written out using script (Three O' Clock in the Afternoon) rather than (3 pm). I may have to work on that. Amanda and I decided to explore rural Pure Michigan, and we found a cool coffee shop to sit in for an hour.When it was ACTUALLY time for the wedding, we went inside and the venue was gorgeous. It was very rustic, with stone walls, branches hanging, and white string lights. We chose our seats, and patiently awaited the start of the ceremony.

I have to say, this was one of the more emotional and passionate ceremonies that I've witnessed. Though I must say, I'm very proud of myself that I didn't cry! Gordon and Sam have a very close relationship with and through God and it was very evident through the ceremony. Both of their siblings played music during the ceremony, and it was really nice how they highlighted how proud they are of their talents, not only focusing on themselves. The officiant, a close friend/mentor of the two was funny, endearing, and she taught them (and us) great lessons. Even if one wasn't as "into their faith" or identifying as a Christian at that ceremony, I still felt like it was inspiring, no matter what your views. 

The First Kiss!

Onto the cocktail hour and reception! The entire event was at a community center/museum and it works perfectly for a wedding since there are three different areas (ceremony, cocktail hour, reception). The cocktail hour was in the area known as the museum, where they had replicas of what the town of Lawton must have looked like back in the day. It was cool! We moved upstairs to the reception area where the same dim but decorative lighting was displayed. The tables had chevron tablecloths and red rose petals on them, very chic. I was really impressed. Amanda and I ended up sitting with some of Sam's mom's friends and they were HILARIOUS. All of the traditional things happened: speeches, toasts, first dance, and it was all so fun seeing two of my greatest friends at the center of it all. When the DJ announced that it was time for the single ladies to get to the dance floor, I ran haha. My efforts paid off, and I caught the bouquet! Watch out, Adam ;)

Bouquet! There are red Gerber daisies on the other side.

In the end, I had a wonderful time. This wedding was beautiful, emotional, and it was an absolute celebration of these two. It also reminded me how much I really love them, and how sad I am that they live on the other side of the country. Sam suggested, though, that if I ever need a SoCal vacation, they'd be more than happy to have me. I'll have to take her up on that! And thanks to Amanda for being an awesome date!

Amanda and I watch TLC shows (I'm not sure if she does as avidly as I), so we decided to rank the wedding based on Four Weddings. My rankings, out of 10, based on the four attributes are: 

Food: 8- It was SO good! Flavorful, and hot! 

Venue:  8- Like I said before, a beautiful, rustic venue, though the lighting was a bit dim, it set the mood.

Dress: 9! When she came down the aisle was the only time I almost cried. Her dress was GORGEOUS! All lace, sparkly, form fitting, and almost exactly what I had in mind if I were to get married (Thanks, Say Yes to the Dress).

Overall Experience: 9- I had a great time, from the company (I felt so welcomed), to the ceremony, to the (swing!) dancing. The only downside was they didn't play my ultimate party song, "Get Low" by Lil' Jon. But I really didn't mind because I got to swing dance with one of my favorite dance partners again.

The beautiful bride and her GORGEOUS dress

Reunited with the handsome groom

Fall Work Fashion

Fall fashion is here! Hopefully it stays for a while, because this is by far my favorite season. I recently went on a little Kohl's excursion with my mom and sister, and I picked up some new LC by Lauren Conrad pieces that I couldn't wait to wear. I had been wanting some more button down shirts, possibly to wear under sweaters, so I was really excited about this polka dot shirt. I've also never been able to buy corduroy pants because they don't usually come in "long," but I was happy to find these cranberry colored corduroy skinny jeans. Perfect for fall!  I paired the entire outfit with my riding boots and I was out the door!

Polka dot shirt and cranberry corduroy skinnies: LC by Lauren Conrad

How does one take a flattering shoe picture? Riding boots: JC Penny

I was really happy with this next outfit. My mom and I went on another little shopping trip about a month ago and I was just looking for some cute things to add to my wardrobe. We ended up buying this darker wash chambray shirt and this green patterned skirt that I'm absolutely in love with. I was nervous about adding black leggings to the outfit, but it was a little chilly out, so to balance it, I added a black cardigan and it all flowed together so well. I was very proud of this fashion blog inspired outfit. Finally, I paired it with my black Peter Pan boots for some color continuity.

Chambray shirt: H&M, Green Skirt: Francesca's, Black Cardigan: Express, Peter Pan Boots: Old

 Sorry about the blur!

I'm trying to stray away from the temptation of throwing on a hoodie or sweatshirt this fall. I have a whole mental list of fall staples I'd like to purchase, including but not limited to: More boots, more flannel/plaid, more sweaters, more scarves. You can never have enough layers! What are your fall staples?

Job Hunting Specs

Hi all! I'm in Washington DC visiting Adam, and I figured I should take a break from binge watching 30 Rock to do something productive. So here I am.

I'm at the point in my job hunt where I've basically lost count of how many resumes and cover letters I've sent out. It originally started out with me searching for SLP-A jobs, but then spread out into a more "full- time, better paying, whatever will utilize my bachelor degree" type of search. So far, I applied to, and interviewed with, a research position with Seidman Cancer Center. I felt like my interview went ok, but I'm just going to be neutral about it. I'm not freaking out like I do for grad school.

While I've been here in DC, I've also been looking at jobs here. I found one in the Washington Post that I can't even really remember what it's for. Something to do with editing articles for a medical journal, I think. I decided that I would actually love to sit at a desk and edit all day, though I'm probably not THAT qualified for it. So I applied for that job anyway. Just now, I applied for a job with the DC Public Schools in which I would coordinate with local healthcare providers in finding and screening children for possible admission to special needs educational programs. I think that job would be really awesome and a good shoe in for grad school.

 

Not that a full-time job necessarily needs to be a shoe-in. I got to thinking about these jobs I'm applying for. What if I really like them, and I make good money from them? Why go to grad school right away? Adam is in his masters program with a bunch of people who have families and full time jobs; they went back to school. I'm starting to see the other side of education, the part where you don't need to follow any plan, because there really isn't one.

I've got a few days left here in DC, so I'll probably write a small post about my time here once I get back. In other news, happy things have happened! My application for Appalachian State has finally been completed and turned in, and the Tribe clinched their first place Wild Card spot in the playoffs! Adam and I will be watching the game on his birthday at a sports bar, for sure!

Back to 30 Rock (I love this show)!

23 Reasons I'm Glad To Be Me: A Birthday Post

Today is my birthday, and this year I have turned 23. Although Blink 182 has constantly reminds us that "Nobody likes you when you're 23," I'd have to say I have many reasons to be happy to start out my 23rd year. I decided to compile a list, so please enjoy!

1. I've gotten two job interviews set up within this past week. My hard work at applying for jobs recently is really paying off, and I'm starting to get really positive about it. 

2. I'm able to live at home, for free. Although living at home isn't really idyllic, it's so free. Free housing, free internet, free electric, free water, free meals. My parents rock for letting me live at home until I'm stable, and I love them for that. I also love that my mom stocks the shelves with exactly the snacks that I want. I guess she always knows best.

3. I've gotten 100 posts on my Facebook wall today wishing me a happy birthday, and it's only 3pm. Although Facebook birthdays are definitely not a way to measure friendship, it shows that these people actually cared enough about me to click on the little link that says it's my birthday, to take a second and wish me a good day. I've got a lot of great people in my life, and they contribute to my happiness.

4. Whenever I've explained my graduate school situation to anyone who has asked, they've all been so supportive and insisting that I will succeed. Even strangers! I've found myself realizing so much lately how lucky I am to have support like this.

5. I have friends everywhere. Today, people have wished me a happy birthday from California, Ireland, Germany, and probably a bunch of other places all over the world. I love that I have great connections.

6. My boyfriend buys me flowers. They're my favorite thing, and he never ceases to remember that.

7. Speaking of, my boyfriend is so supportive, loving, funny, and intelligent. I couldn't have imagined anyone better for me. And his family is just as awesome, too.

8. I have opportunities all around me. The fact that I have a child next door with a language disorder, along with two other siblings gives me potential language experience, a babysitting job, and general joy whenever I'm with them. I've got opportunities at work, and opportunities through connections that I've developed. I even have a bachelor's degree to open up doors for me. I've got it a lot better than I've admitted in the past. For the past year, I've felt stuck, when I just needed to open up my eyes and see all of the opportunities that were in front of me.

9. My sister looks up to me. I try to be a role model, and when I can be that to the person who I feel closest to, it really makes me feel good. And we have a good relationship. Yeah, we fight sometimes, but we always go back to being able to giggle and ask each other for help, right away.

10. My cat likes to cuddle with me.

11. People in the swing dance scene tell me they miss me when I haven't been around. It makes me feel so good to know that my presence at a dance filled with hundreds of people can make someone else's night, because most of the time, they've got the same impact on me.

12. My cousin Alex always greets me with a smile and "Hi Katie!!" whenever he sees me.

13. I'm good at certain things like lindy hop, sudoku, parallel parking, editing, and maybe a few other things that people might envy.

14.I have the gift of  music in my life. I'm mediocre at playing musical instruments and singing, but I like to do both things anyway. As long as I've got music in my life that is moving to me, I'm happy. Right now, that's all of Mumford and Sons.

15. I have drive. Even if it doesn't last for long, I like that I'm motivated for things, such as learning, achieving the education and career that I want, playing mandolin, or learning a new language.

16. I like that I'm tall.

17. I like that I'm often positive and don't usually let things bother me, not for long at least. I like to try to smile.

18. I like my new found attitude of "do more and don't give up." I'm not going to quit on my mandolin, or my journey to grad school to be an SLP. I like both things too much.

19. I'm glad to be me because I can watch The Wedding Singer and Horrible Bosses as many times as I want and still laugh hysterically.

20. I have the ability to pay my bills on time. Even though it wipes out my savings and makes me sad, I can say that I'm kind of a successful adult at this point.

21. I own a working vehicle. Tommy makes noises every now and then and costs me some money, but he gets the job done. I can drive anywhere I need to with him, and even though I would love a newer, shinier car, my 2003 Mazda Protege makes me happy.

22. I have team spirit. I love that I have something to support, whether it be for the Tribe, or my D3 football team at Wooster, I love being a supporting fan.

23. I like that I get happiness from writing; this blog allows me to do that. I love writing, editing, anything that has to do with the written language. It's a hobby of mine that I'm always able to fall back on, and I love to do it.

TL:DR- I like being me.

There you have it, my list of 23 reasons that I'm glad to be me. These items were compiled randomly and off of the top of my head. Some are far out and random, others are very heartfelt. I probably could have thought of more things, or at least more detailed, but my mind is set on watching The Newsroom.

So far my birthday has been nice and relaxing. Tonight, I'm going out to watch some live Cleveland comedy with some of my best friends. Thanks for reading, and if you feel like you want to share any reasons that you like being you, or reasons that you like me for that matter, feel free to comment :) Happy September 16th, Katie Heugel Day, everyone!

Anger, Distress, Learning, Motivation, Determination

Most of you know that I've been applying to grad schools for almost two years. You would also know that I've been rejected throughout. Yesterday I received my first rejection for the spring semester. It was from Eastern Michigan, the school that gave me hope thanks to my addition to their waitlist last semester. The letter comes with an explanation of why I was not admitted. This time it said something to the sort of my GPA being too low, and that just taking a few classes that I already took would not improve my undergrad GPA. It said that I needed to take at least 18 more credit hours, and get another bachelor's or pursue a different master's program to improve my GPA to be able to apply to THEIR master's program.

This is a flaw in the system, and it shows me that admissions programs do not seem to actually look at anything else besides numbers, contrary to what their websites say. I do not have the money to pursue another bachelor's program, or another master's program just for the goal of changing my GPA. I'm happy with my undergraduate career, but when things like this come up, I find myself regretting my mindset of "good enough." I don't want to regret my undergraduate career. After all, I did graduate. But I AM changing my mindset. No more "good enough." Now it's "do better, do more."

I've been volunteering at Rainbow Babies for the better part of the year, and most of the time, there's no one there, I do whatever work is there for me, and I leave. I thought I was doing all I could, but apparently, it wasn't enough. Now, I'm going to delve deeper; introduce myself, stop feeling so awkward, go there for more hours at a time.

I'm also attempting to get an SLP-A license through the state of Maryland so I can practice as an assistant in the field. Ohio doesn't have SLP-As so Maryland is the next best thing. The only problem is that I have to first find a job before becoming licensed. Job hunting outside of the state where the job resides is definitely difficult, but I've been sending out numerous emails trying to find out if there are positions available, as well as looking for guidance. I hear that grad schools like experience, so hopefully that rumor is actually true.

I realized that the reason I'm so torn up over this is because if feels like it keeps putting a hold on my life. I've always had this plan to get right into the field, so I can be on my own, start my life, a family. I hate that I'm not in complete control over this situation. I guess I brought it upon myself by not earning the GPA standards of what grad schools necessitate. It was inevitable, I suppose. I need to clear my mind of this plan and just let things happen. I'm going to be 23 next week; that's still so young. To me, it feels like lost time (if I had gotten in my first try, I would have graduated this coming year), but in reality, it's just learning experience. I now know to appreciate things more, put in more hard work. Things don't come as easily to me as they did all through grade school.

While I am trying my hardest to get where I want to be, it just feels like the schools are bullies, pushing me down every time I get up. I've scraped my knees, gotten my lip busted, and came home with a black eye. I heal every time, but I'm not Wolverine; it's not instant, and this time, it feels like it will scar. But scars are stories of your past. They remind you where you came from, and teach you lessons.

I am the only one to blame for my problems, and it sucks that it has taken me this long to figure out what I'm doing wrong. To anyone who has given me advice and inspiration over the past year and a half, thank you SO much. You have been a constant motivation for me, and I'm determined to prove you right. I'm not going to change my field, because I'm just so passionate about it, and that, to me, would be giving up. Sorry mom, I'm not going to be a nurse.

Okay, I'm done with the moping. I'm going to try to take a few days off from job hunting (even though I'll feel like I'm doing nothing), and I'm going to just chill. Maybe I'll think a little bit, but mostly, I need to zen.

What I Wore to Work this Weekend

This weekend I was feeling full of fashion! Apparently I'm also full of alliteration today. Anyway, I ended up wearing clothes that I basically had forgotten that I own, which were entirely too pretty to pass up. 

First forgotten item: American Eagle Dress:

I got a lot of compliments on this first outfit. It's totally girly and sweet, and it was perfect for the hot weather we've been having this week. I paired it with some wedge sandals that I bought early in the summer, hoping to wear often, but this was only the second time I've taken them out. Fail.I love the lace bodice on this dress and the flowiness of the skirt. I originally thought the ribbon was a bit too much, but I took it off and decided it was actually just what the dress needed. My mom thought this dress wasn't quite work appropriate because of the lace, but I think she's just a bit ol' fashioned.

Dress: American Eagle, Cardigan: H&M

Wedge Sandals: DSW

Second forgotten item(s): Lauren Conrad blazer and American Eagle halter top:

I had found my blazer the other day and I was having trouble deciding what to wear under it (hence not wearing it often). It's got a maroon colored lining on the inside, so it's super cute when you roll the sleeves. I was going through my closet, trying to pair something with it, when I found this satin purple floral halter top that I completely fell in love with when I bought it, but have since worn it only once. I decided to throw a black cami underneath since I thought it was a bit too low-cut for work. I then paired the entire ensemble with my white Lauren Conrad skinny jeans, and my gold flats from AE. All in all, it was a professional AE and LC type of outfit.

Blazer and White Skinnies: LC by Lauren Conrad, Floral Halter Top: American Eagle

 

The one thing  I must say is often missing from my outfits is a necklace. I have to wear a name badge and a vocera around my neck, so the necklace would be obsolete, unless it were short. I wore a little necklace with my first outfit in this post, but it's so small that you can barely see it in the picture!

I'm so glad summer is almost over! I'm ready for fall layers!!