My Problem with Faith

So, if most of you know me, you know of my traumatic sort of run-in with the Christian faith and "God" during the summer of 2010. I won't really go into it, but at the time, I felt like God was against me or something, and to this day I feel like I have never truly recovered. I was never really one who was active with my faith, or in church. For a few years, I even doubted a higher power. I don't know what brought me back, and I truly don't even know where I really stand. All I know is, that in the end, I am most comfortable in the Catholic church, where I was raised.

Sometimes when I see my friends who are more active in their faith, most often identifying themselves as "Christians," I feel like I'm missing something. But it's not something that I necessarily strive for, or feel that I need for that matter. It's just a weird feeling. The togetherness during evangelical get-aways and camps just seems so fun and uniting. I'm not an evangelical person whatsoever, nor do I want to be. I kind of just want that connection. But it's hard to build a connection with others spiritually when you feel weird even praying by yourself. When you feel like you want to go to church, but you're not getting fulfillment. When you decide one day to go to an evangelical type service, and you are so uncomfortable, almost to the point of tears, but you so want to fit in.

When I'm around self-proclaimed "Christians" in a group together, there's just something emanating from them. I have no idea what it is, but sometimes, I want to be able to give it off too. The bond between them that is so outwardly present is magnetic. On the other hand, sometimes it is repellent. Sometimes I see and understand their drive to say "Welcome, I am so glad that you're here," and other times I see it as "Hi, look what we have and you don't." Sometimes I feel like I want to have it, but in a way (in my mind) it's comparable to "This iPhone is a lot cooler and modern than that brick of a phone you have, even though they do the same thing," and I envy it for a minute, then I'm back to my normal life. My life where I live by the morality that is taught in the bible, even if I don't credit the bible or my faith for my morals. I still function on kindness and caring, giving and loving.

I don't really know what I'm getting at. This is something that pops up in my mind every now and then, and usually ends up getting on my nerves for a few minutes. I guess this is really just a personal battle, maybe even a rant. A rant about which I don't even know why I'm getting so emotional as I write it.

This isn't a jab at Evangelical Christians, all the ones that I know are very nice, and some are very good friends. I just felt the need to write my feelings.