So, if most of you know me, you know of my traumatic sort of run-in with the Christian faith and "God" during the summer of 2010. I won't really go into it, but at the time, I felt like God was against me or something, and to this day I feel like I have never truly recovered. I was never really one who was active with my faith, or in church. For a few years, I even doubted a higher power. I don't know what brought me back, and I truly don't even know where I really stand. All I know is, that in the end, I am most comfortable in the Catholic church, where I was raised.
Sometimes when I see my friends who are more active in their faith, most often identifying themselves as "Christians," I feel like I'm missing something. But it's not something that I necessarily strive for, or feel that I need for that matter. It's just a weird feeling. The togetherness during evangelical get-aways and camps just seems so fun and uniting. I'm not an evangelical person whatsoever, nor do I want to be. I kind of just want that connection. But it's hard to build a connection with others spiritually when you feel weird even praying by yourself. When you feel like you want to go to church, but you're not getting fulfillment. When you decide one day to go to an evangelical type service, and you are so uncomfortable, almost to the point of tears, but you so want to fit in.
When I'm around self-proclaimed "Christians" in a group together, there's just something emanating from them. I have no idea what it is, but sometimes, I want to be able to give it off too. The bond between them that is so outwardly present is magnetic. On the other hand, sometimes it is repellent. Sometimes I see and understand their drive to say "Welcome, I am so glad that you're here," and other times I see it as "Hi, look what we have and you don't." Sometimes I feel like I want to have it, but in a way (in my mind) it's comparable to "This iPhone is a lot cooler and modern than that brick of a phone you have, even though they do the same thing," and I envy it for a minute, then I'm back to my normal life. My life where I live by the morality that is taught in the bible, even if I don't credit the bible or my faith for my morals. I still function on kindness and caring, giving and loving.
I don't really know what I'm getting at. This is something that pops up in my mind every now and then, and usually ends up getting on my nerves for a few minutes. I guess this is really just a personal battle, maybe even a rant. A rant about which I don't even know why I'm getting so emotional as I write it.
This isn't a jab at Evangelical Christians, all the ones that I know are very nice, and some are very good friends. I just felt the need to write my feelings.
I think there can be a stigma attached to faith...like someone is saying, "Feel THIS way about it and worship THIS way!"
ReplyDeleteI was in a church, not too long ago, a VERY evangelical church. Every service ended in a massive altar call with hands raised or touching someone, tears, strange chanting or speaking in tongues. To me, it is not how I worship or express my beliefs. But I don't mind being there, because there is something very energetic about it. So I would listen, take notes, and then watch or expand upon my notes while the altar call went on. Around about my third visit, something negative happened. I was sitting in the middle of the church, enjoying all the chanting and praising and crying, when the pastor said, "If you are not up here right now, not really fully into PRAISING JESUS, then you are not doing it right!" (That's not the exact quote, but it is very close.) I was so offended to be told that I was not praising Jesus right, because last time I checked, He and I were totally cool. I never went back to that church.
The thing is, if what you like to do is kneel and silently say the Rosary or jump up and down and sing and shout, that's all ok. If you are uncomfortable being in a more solemn service (I can take Mass about three times a year) or you are uncomfortable being in a service where they speak in tongues, that's ok too.
I have worshipped God all over. I have been in a Nazarene church where the women have their heads covered and wear long skirts and the church is divided by the sexes and they sing with no accompaniment. I have been in churches where they speak tongues. I have seen people have fits. I have been in a Krishna temple where people worship without a specific service, rocking and chanting over and over. I have worshipped inside and outside, in cathedrals and high school libraries. I have prayed in the SuperDome with a congregation of 40,000 or sat by myself, writing letters to God.
All of it is ok. You can be who you want to be, but I don't think you should feel frustrated. I don't ever feel comfortable saying prayers out loud to anyone else anymore. That is not how me and God roll. So, I never pray with others. I won't. But I can sit there and listen and participate, because I'm cool with whatever you style is. If you enjoy evangelic services, I would encourage you to attend them on occasion. But if Catholicism is where you heart is, then get down with it. There is a lot of great routine and structure in Catholicism and I'm not at all surprised to hear you say that you feel most comfortable there.
Basically, God is down with you being whomever you need to be and there is no right way to do anything. Seriously.