Anger, Distress, Learning, Motivation, Determination

Most of you know that I've been applying to grad schools for almost two years. You would also know that I've been rejected throughout. Yesterday I received my first rejection for the spring semester. It was from Eastern Michigan, the school that gave me hope thanks to my addition to their waitlist last semester. The letter comes with an explanation of why I was not admitted. This time it said something to the sort of my GPA being too low, and that just taking a few classes that I already took would not improve my undergrad GPA. It said that I needed to take at least 18 more credit hours, and get another bachelor's or pursue a different master's program to improve my GPA to be able to apply to THEIR master's program.

This is a flaw in the system, and it shows me that admissions programs do not seem to actually look at anything else besides numbers, contrary to what their websites say. I do not have the money to pursue another bachelor's program, or another master's program just for the goal of changing my GPA. I'm happy with my undergraduate career, but when things like this come up, I find myself regretting my mindset of "good enough." I don't want to regret my undergraduate career. After all, I did graduate. But I AM changing my mindset. No more "good enough." Now it's "do better, do more."

I've been volunteering at Rainbow Babies for the better part of the year, and most of the time, there's no one there, I do whatever work is there for me, and I leave. I thought I was doing all I could, but apparently, it wasn't enough. Now, I'm going to delve deeper; introduce myself, stop feeling so awkward, go there for more hours at a time.

I'm also attempting to get an SLP-A license through the state of Maryland so I can practice as an assistant in the field. Ohio doesn't have SLP-As so Maryland is the next best thing. The only problem is that I have to first find a job before becoming licensed. Job hunting outside of the state where the job resides is definitely difficult, but I've been sending out numerous emails trying to find out if there are positions available, as well as looking for guidance. I hear that grad schools like experience, so hopefully that rumor is actually true.

I realized that the reason I'm so torn up over this is because if feels like it keeps putting a hold on my life. I've always had this plan to get right into the field, so I can be on my own, start my life, a family. I hate that I'm not in complete control over this situation. I guess I brought it upon myself by not earning the GPA standards of what grad schools necessitate. It was inevitable, I suppose. I need to clear my mind of this plan and just let things happen. I'm going to be 23 next week; that's still so young. To me, it feels like lost time (if I had gotten in my first try, I would have graduated this coming year), but in reality, it's just learning experience. I now know to appreciate things more, put in more hard work. Things don't come as easily to me as they did all through grade school.

While I am trying my hardest to get where I want to be, it just feels like the schools are bullies, pushing me down every time I get up. I've scraped my knees, gotten my lip busted, and came home with a black eye. I heal every time, but I'm not Wolverine; it's not instant, and this time, it feels like it will scar. But scars are stories of your past. They remind you where you came from, and teach you lessons.

I am the only one to blame for my problems, and it sucks that it has taken me this long to figure out what I'm doing wrong. To anyone who has given me advice and inspiration over the past year and a half, thank you SO much. You have been a constant motivation for me, and I'm determined to prove you right. I'm not going to change my field, because I'm just so passionate about it, and that, to me, would be giving up. Sorry mom, I'm not going to be a nurse.

Okay, I'm done with the moping. I'm going to try to take a few days off from job hunting (even though I'll feel like I'm doing nothing), and I'm going to just chill. Maybe I'll think a little bit, but mostly, I need to zen.