Defeat

I've found lately that I've started to accept defeat. Aside from continuing to apply to grad school, most things that I like to do, or at least would like to do, have met a bump in the road. My problem is, these bumps really aren't that big, and I've started to easily accept this defeat, "Yup, this is it, oh well." For example, I was supposed to spend this entire weekend in Pittsburgh at PittStop Lindy Hop. I love this event, and I love all of the people there. I got out of a busy day at work Friday and I literally broke down because I didn't want to go anymore. I was tired, I felt like I was rushing myself, and I knew from recent experience that I am in no physical shape to expend upwards of 24 hours of dancing in one weekend. I felt like a let down to my friends, and like an incredibly important part of my life was just slipping away from me. In the end, I decided to go to just the Saturday evening dance to see my friends and my favorite band, Gordon Webster. I only danced three mid-tempo dances in the two hours I was there, and I still felt like I overexerted myself. At that dance, I decided that maybe it's time to take a break from seeking out dance. In college, I was able to do it at least twice a week. I was in shape, and I had people I wanted to dance with. After graduation, my dance friends are sparse, and I don't have as many outlets readily available. I've started to feel badly about myself when I feel like crap after one dance, and I don't like that. I truly do enjoy dancing, but lately, I don't like the way it makes me feel, and that's partly on me for letting myself go. Lindy Katie: Defeated.

Similarly, working out has taken a back seat. In high school I worked out twice a week with my mom. In college, I slacked, but I was dancing so I was getting good cardio. Now, I rarely go. I've felt the effects (gaining weight, not being able to last as long at a dance), but I'm relatively apathetic about these things. I'm pretty happy with my body image. I don't feel like I need to be skinny, or trim, though I sometimes do gripe about it. It's not enough to make me want to get up and go. Therefore, I see no reason to spend much time on working out, even though the health benefits are prevalent. Fit Katie: Defeated.

I've become incredibly apathetic about these things. I've fallen into a rut, where I'd much rather lay in my bed and watch TLC show repeats. I already know which dress she's gonna choose, and I know what she looks like after her makeover. But hey, what else is there to do? It's freezing outside, and I don't want to be out in that, so here I sit. I realized that I'm actually wasting my life away here in my childhood bedroom. I think if I had to be out on my own, learning on my own, supporting myself, I'd be much more quick to explore, work out, actually do something with my life. Motivated Katie: Defeated.

For that reason, I'm incredibly excited that I have a phone interview for a job in DC. I'm so ready to start over new, finally be on my own, and get my life together. I'm tired of laying here, and even though I acknowledge it, it's hard to move on when I'm in a setting where I'm so comfortable. I'm not complaining about this situation that I have complete control over, and I'm not sure that I'm trying to set goals, because honestly, I know that I never pull through with the lifestyle change goals that I set for myself. I just want to put it out there, so you guys can hold me accountable. I've become kind of depressed in my routine, but my apparent apathy and lack of motivation about most things lately just keeps pulling me back. Maybe it's the winter.

Sorry for the downer post. I'm not even sure that this evolved how I wanted it to. I just wanted to get it down in words, to help me see how much work I have to do on myself.

I came across this quote on another blog, and I've been trying to apply it to my life. Hopefully I can pull through soon enough.

If only...