My Problem with Faith

So, if most of you know me, you know of my traumatic sort of run-in with the Christian faith and "God" during the summer of 2010. I won't really go into it, but at the time, I felt like God was against me or something, and to this day I feel like I have never truly recovered. I was never really one who was active with my faith, or in church. For a few years, I even doubted a higher power. I don't know what brought me back, and I truly don't even know where I really stand. All I know is, that in the end, I am most comfortable in the Catholic church, where I was raised.

Sometimes when I see my friends who are more active in their faith, most often identifying themselves as "Christians," I feel like I'm missing something. But it's not something that I necessarily strive for, or feel that I need for that matter. It's just a weird feeling. The togetherness during evangelical get-aways and camps just seems so fun and uniting. I'm not an evangelical person whatsoever, nor do I want to be. I kind of just want that connection. But it's hard to build a connection with others spiritually when you feel weird even praying by yourself. When you feel like you want to go to church, but you're not getting fulfillment. When you decide one day to go to an evangelical type service, and you are so uncomfortable, almost to the point of tears, but you so want to fit in.

When I'm around self-proclaimed "Christians" in a group together, there's just something emanating from them. I have no idea what it is, but sometimes, I want to be able to give it off too. The bond between them that is so outwardly present is magnetic. On the other hand, sometimes it is repellent. Sometimes I see and understand their drive to say "Welcome, I am so glad that you're here," and other times I see it as "Hi, look what we have and you don't." Sometimes I feel like I want to have it, but in a way (in my mind) it's comparable to "This iPhone is a lot cooler and modern than that brick of a phone you have, even though they do the same thing," and I envy it for a minute, then I'm back to my normal life. My life where I live by the morality that is taught in the bible, even if I don't credit the bible or my faith for my morals. I still function on kindness and caring, giving and loving.

I don't really know what I'm getting at. This is something that pops up in my mind every now and then, and usually ends up getting on my nerves for a few minutes. I guess this is really just a personal battle, maybe even a rant. A rant about which I don't even know why I'm getting so emotional as I write it.

This isn't a jab at Evangelical Christians, all the ones that I know are very nice, and some are very good friends. I just felt the need to write my feelings.

Name Brands

Today I was shopping at American Eagle. I had decided that I wanted a new pull-over hoodie, and I didn't want any more from Victoria's Secret. I grabbed a few, and went into the dressing room to try them on. Once inside, I pulled the hoodie over my head, only to realize that I looked something like a 16 year old. This is my problem with name brand clothing.

I'll admit, I do wear a number of Victoria's Secret PINK hoodies (discounts force you to think you need to buy things that you don't need). I try to purchase the ones that aren't IN YOUR FACE HOT PINK, and with smaller lettering, which I find to be somewhat more mature. Here's where I run into my problem: Hoodies and clothing with giant insignia of the brand one is wearing is incredibly juvenile, at least to me. It's damn hard to have a young face like mine, and to want to look like an adult when you're wearing VS Pink and AE brand hoodies with the name splashed across your boobs and/or back.

I really like to wear these brands of clothes, and would like to wear their lounge clothes as well. But if I can't do so without making my boyfriend want to puke with the loudness of my LOVE PINK hoodie, I don't think I want anything to do with it.

I'm going to try to do the adult thing and stray away from these younger brands. AE's clothes are still aimed at me until I'm 25 (says the brand), and VS's lingerie will always be my go-to. I'm just going to try to stop buying their clothes that shout to all of Cleveland "I AM WEARING VICTORIA'S SECRET AND I KNOW YOU THINK I'M SO COOL BECAUSE OF IT!!!"

But where am I supposed to find cute fitted hoodies, that don't have brand names in size 88 font? Any suggestions would be very appreciated.

Nan Pengyou

Hello readers! I'm well aware it's been over a month since I've posted and I apologize. I've really just been working every single day, and have had nothing exciting to blog about. I will give you a personal update though!

The title of this post (pronounced "nahn pahngyo") means "boyfriend" in Chinese. It's the only Chinese word that I know, which I can also spell. I decided to use it as my title since the great enigma that is China has taken my boyfriend away for 11 days. It is true, he is off with his second love, where he is known as Zhan Keqi (sounds like "John Kuhchi," like Jankowski). He's doing some research for his Senior IS on China political something or other jargon. I swear I'm interested, and I really am! It just goes over my head ;) Last night was hard, being the first night he was gone, and we usually talk on the phone. Since then, we've Skyped, and I'm doing much better. I'm starting to accept that it's what he wants to spend the rest of his life studying/working with, and I am really proud of him.I plan to go visit him as soon as I get back. I'm really excited to see him and have our late Christmas <3

Adam's favorite part about China, which he calls the "shit slit."

Adam is in Beijing!

 So, I'm still in the process of applying for grad school. My first application was due on the 15th, for the University of Toledo. I feel like the CSDCAS part (blanket CSD app) of my application was/will be processed late because of transcript problems, but we can only hope for the best. While researching my other schools, I found out that Eastern Michigan University has a faculty member who's main focus is literacy and spelling, which is exactly what I want to encourage in the field of Speech-Language Pathology! I got so excited, and realized that EMU may be the perfect grad school for me. I'm hoping that for my new years trip to visit Adam, we can take a day trip to the campus to visit. You guys don't know how excited I am.

As I mentioned before, I've been working almost every day for the past two weeks. I love my hospital job and the hours I get. I'm starting to loathe my VS job. The management isn't really agreeable or easy to work with, and scheduling is always a hassle. I'm starting to consider quitting. I only really still work there for the discount and because I like most of my fellow associates. I really do enjoy the knowledge of the brand and products that I can share with the customer, but honestly, I'm taking a grad level course next semester and I don't know if I'll be able to take it all. I've been very back and forth about quitting, and yesterday was almost my breaking point. It's not really anything to get into, but it could be a big turning point in my "adult life."

I did enjoy the fashion show, though!

Is the end of the world on Friday? If so, I'll be working a 12 hour day, then drinking with my friends! If I wake up hungover on Saturday, at least it will have been a successful celebration of life (and I will probably still feel like I'm dying anyway). Though, if the world does end, it will suck that my boyfriend is in China.

I imagine "The Day After Tomorrow"

I just downloaded Snapchat. I think I'm going to like it.

Per usual, I appreciate your reads, and I'm going to challenge you! Give me ideas of things to write about in that little comment box below! I think that would be fun!! If you don't think so, then OH WELL!!

GRAD SCHOOL PROBLEMS

I'm trying to write my personal statements, and to really decide which schools I want to apply to. I AM HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE. I just want to run around, yell, or just plop down facing upward on a bed and bawl my eyes out.

I'm looking at my list of schools (none of which I have visited for grad school (besides CSU, since I go there), and I'm just wondering why I'm applying there. My main reasons for choosing to apply to a school are these:

• Will they maybe accept my below average GPA?
• Do I like the area in which the school resides?
• Is it near where Adam might go?
• Is it near home so I can live there for free?

Some of these schools put one or more of these criteria against each other. I visited one of the schools for undergrad, and wasn't quite impressed with it, but it's close to home, so I might apply. One of the schools is not close to home, but Adam is applying near there, so I might apply. I know you're not supposed to really apply based on where your boyfriend is going, but I don't want to be very far. I don't want to live at home forever, but I really don't have the money to move out on my own yet, and I am comfortable with my two jobs.

I am so so so torn on which criteria to focus on. I don't want to spend so much money on applications for schools that I'm not confident about, or don't want to go to. I'm kind of having a personal crisis here, and it's not good for my self esteem.

Graduate School Application Process, Again!!

If you know me, and my life, you would be aware that I have a bachelor's degree in Communication Sciences and Disorders. If you also know me, you know that I need to go to graduate school to get any sort of job in the field of speech therapy. Since I was an average student in college who decided to balance a social life, clubs, and academics, I earned mostly B's and C's in my classes. I'm happy with those grades; I passed IS, and I graduated. Graduate school is not happy with those grades; no schools accepted me last year.

Fast forward! 6 months later (exactly), I am being proactive! I'm re-taking the classes that I didn't do so hot in (and kicking ass), and I'm volunteering with the speech therapy services at the hospital where I work. I'm attempting to get some really good letters of recommendation, and at the same time, I'm writing a really AWESOME personal statement that will make tears flow from those admissions people's eyes!

Fast forward! 5 days after I had already started this post, I got apathetic about writing this, as well as with my applications. I need to edit my personal statement because I'm not happy with it, and I am apparently selling myself short. I need to finish it and send it to my people who need to write my letters of recommendation. I need to send my GRE scores to a few schools, and my transcripts to all of them. This is going to be tiring. What I would really like to do is take an entire day that I'm off (this Friday sounds good), and do all of that crap. Pay for the GRE, for transcripts, and finish my stupid personal statement and send it to my people.

I went through all of this once, and I think I just got tired of it and don't want to do it again. I wish the process were so much easier, where most or all of it was online and I didn't need to send hard copies of things to admissions guys. I need to clean my room and my desk and get more organized. Then I'll finally be able to concentrate. I did come down with this weird throat/nose sickness this week. I come home, or I stay home, and I just want to stay in bed, miserable. It's been a total downer.

My first application is due in a month. I'm freaking out a little because I don't want to miss the deadline. It's the application for The University of Toledo (where my friend Marshall resides, shout out to YOU!!!). I wouldn't mind going there because there are people there and near there whom I really care about. The crappy part is that they ask for a personal statement all about why I chose that program blah de blah. So now I get to write a second one just for UT. I hope it's worth it.

Well, enough bitching about graduate school. Many of us have to go through this tough stuff, so it's not like I'm the only one. I'm tired, my throat hurts, and I miss my boyfriend. I'm going to bed. I love you all, good night.

My final bitchy moment:

HOW COULD HE HAVE NOT WON SEXIEST MAN ALIVE?!?! I mean, come on!!!!

Personal Update

This post is a personal update, if you couldn't tell from the title. *aside: my computer has started making noises like it's propelling into space again. I want a new one now!* I'm currently drinking coffee, in my sweatpants, at 10:10 pm, pretending I'm in Starbucks, or the Lowry Cafe. I do prefer coffee shops over my bedroom, but hey, when you're in the midst of a hurricane and coffee shops are closed, what's a girl to do?

I feel like I'm coming down with my mom's cold (which I think sounds like consumption; tuberculosis to those from this century), so I took a benadryl and am drinking that hot beverage. This past week has been tiring! Besides my normal working and classes, Bron was on her way home and stopped in town for the week! I was very excited to be reunited with my roomie, so we hung out most days (along with Katie and Joe, a little Reed House reunion), and I woke up tired most mornings. Needless to say, I understand why adults don't hang out too much. They get worn out!

This past weekend was family weekend, so the four of us went down to Wooster to be with our "families." It was a lot of fun to go to a football game and be a part of the band again, even if it was like 40 degrees and a little damp. Saturday was the Halloween Get Hep dance, and Adam came with me! We dressed up as a nurse and a hospital patient. I think our costumes were a hit! I was really excited that he came with me. Even if he didn't have that much fun, it's the thought that counts. He even slow danced with me!

A couple weeks ago, I accompanied Adam and his parents on a little birthday trip to LAS VEGAS!! This was my first time being west of the Mississippi (river, that is), and my first time flying in about 15 years. On the flight there, I passed out during the landing. I think it was caused by the pain in my ear, since it was almost unbearable. On the flight back I had no problems whatsoever! Random fainting! Vegas was not what I expected it to be. When I think of Vegas, I think of glamor and fancy things. What it really is, is drunk people and girls dressed skankily, everyone smoking cigarettes, and illegals working on the streets for some tips. It is an experience! The weird part was being able to smoke indoors, and carry around open containers of alcohol outside. Just plain weird. But I guess it's some people's paradise. I ended up losing $200 to stupid slots, and stopped my spending there. We went to a night club, saw Elton John live, saw a topless show, and rode a gondola in the Venetian. It was a really fun trip, and I wouldn't mind going back again!

Our gondola singer! She had a beautiful voice!

Riding on the gondola!

Well, that's about it for my personal update. My hospital job is going very well, and my Victoria's Secret job is finally picking up again (the new manager thought I didn't know how to run the cash register, or do floor sets. What did she think I was doing the past 2 years?!)

Until next post, I'll be riding out hurricane Sandy!

Katie’s Summer Ambitions 2010

       I was going through my old files and I found this list:

   Be able to touch my toes

       Learn to play guitar

       Be more athletic

       Drink more water

       Go camping on Kelley’s Island

       Get a tan

       Read a lot of books

       Keep up on my Spanish

       Find something to write about for Jr. IS

       Go lindy hopping

       Hang out in Cleveland

I think I have achieved like 5 of those things. You can try to figure out which 5. It won't be hard :)