My Problem with Faith

So, if most of you know me, you know of my traumatic sort of run-in with the Christian faith and "God" during the summer of 2010. I won't really go into it, but at the time, I felt like God was against me or something, and to this day I feel like I have never truly recovered. I was never really one who was active with my faith, or in church. For a few years, I even doubted a higher power. I don't know what brought me back, and I truly don't even know where I really stand. All I know is, that in the end, I am most comfortable in the Catholic church, where I was raised.

Sometimes when I see my friends who are more active in their faith, most often identifying themselves as "Christians," I feel like I'm missing something. But it's not something that I necessarily strive for, or feel that I need for that matter. It's just a weird feeling. The togetherness during evangelical get-aways and camps just seems so fun and uniting. I'm not an evangelical person whatsoever, nor do I want to be. I kind of just want that connection. But it's hard to build a connection with others spiritually when you feel weird even praying by yourself. When you feel like you want to go to church, but you're not getting fulfillment. When you decide one day to go to an evangelical type service, and you are so uncomfortable, almost to the point of tears, but you so want to fit in.

When I'm around self-proclaimed "Christians" in a group together, there's just something emanating from them. I have no idea what it is, but sometimes, I want to be able to give it off too. The bond between them that is so outwardly present is magnetic. On the other hand, sometimes it is repellent. Sometimes I see and understand their drive to say "Welcome, I am so glad that you're here," and other times I see it as "Hi, look what we have and you don't." Sometimes I feel like I want to have it, but in a way (in my mind) it's comparable to "This iPhone is a lot cooler and modern than that brick of a phone you have, even though they do the same thing," and I envy it for a minute, then I'm back to my normal life. My life where I live by the morality that is taught in the bible, even if I don't credit the bible or my faith for my morals. I still function on kindness and caring, giving and loving.

I don't really know what I'm getting at. This is something that pops up in my mind every now and then, and usually ends up getting on my nerves for a few minutes. I guess this is really just a personal battle, maybe even a rant. A rant about which I don't even know why I'm getting so emotional as I write it.

This isn't a jab at Evangelical Christians, all the ones that I know are very nice, and some are very good friends. I just felt the need to write my feelings.

Name Brands

Today I was shopping at American Eagle. I had decided that I wanted a new pull-over hoodie, and I didn't want any more from Victoria's Secret. I grabbed a few, and went into the dressing room to try them on. Once inside, I pulled the hoodie over my head, only to realize that I looked something like a 16 year old. This is my problem with name brand clothing.

I'll admit, I do wear a number of Victoria's Secret PINK hoodies (discounts force you to think you need to buy things that you don't need). I try to purchase the ones that aren't IN YOUR FACE HOT PINK, and with smaller lettering, which I find to be somewhat more mature. Here's where I run into my problem: Hoodies and clothing with giant insignia of the brand one is wearing is incredibly juvenile, at least to me. It's damn hard to have a young face like mine, and to want to look like an adult when you're wearing VS Pink and AE brand hoodies with the name splashed across your boobs and/or back.

I really like to wear these brands of clothes, and would like to wear their lounge clothes as well. But if I can't do so without making my boyfriend want to puke with the loudness of my LOVE PINK hoodie, I don't think I want anything to do with it.

I'm going to try to do the adult thing and stray away from these younger brands. AE's clothes are still aimed at me until I'm 25 (says the brand), and VS's lingerie will always be my go-to. I'm just going to try to stop buying their clothes that shout to all of Cleveland "I AM WEARING VICTORIA'S SECRET AND I KNOW YOU THINK I'M SO COOL BECAUSE OF IT!!!"

But where am I supposed to find cute fitted hoodies, that don't have brand names in size 88 font? Any suggestions would be very appreciated.

Nan Pengyou

Hello readers! I'm well aware it's been over a month since I've posted and I apologize. I've really just been working every single day, and have had nothing exciting to blog about. I will give you a personal update though!

The title of this post (pronounced "nahn pahngyo") means "boyfriend" in Chinese. It's the only Chinese word that I know, which I can also spell. I decided to use it as my title since the great enigma that is China has taken my boyfriend away for 11 days. It is true, he is off with his second love, where he is known as Zhan Keqi (sounds like "John Kuhchi," like Jankowski). He's doing some research for his Senior IS on China political something or other jargon. I swear I'm interested, and I really am! It just goes over my head ;) Last night was hard, being the first night he was gone, and we usually talk on the phone. Since then, we've Skyped, and I'm doing much better. I'm starting to accept that it's what he wants to spend the rest of his life studying/working with, and I am really proud of him.I plan to go visit him as soon as I get back. I'm really excited to see him and have our late Christmas <3

Adam's favorite part about China, which he calls the "shit slit."

Adam is in Beijing!

 So, I'm still in the process of applying for grad school. My first application was due on the 15th, for the University of Toledo. I feel like the CSDCAS part (blanket CSD app) of my application was/will be processed late because of transcript problems, but we can only hope for the best. While researching my other schools, I found out that Eastern Michigan University has a faculty member who's main focus is literacy and spelling, which is exactly what I want to encourage in the field of Speech-Language Pathology! I got so excited, and realized that EMU may be the perfect grad school for me. I'm hoping that for my new years trip to visit Adam, we can take a day trip to the campus to visit. You guys don't know how excited I am.

As I mentioned before, I've been working almost every day for the past two weeks. I love my hospital job and the hours I get. I'm starting to loathe my VS job. The management isn't really agreeable or easy to work with, and scheduling is always a hassle. I'm starting to consider quitting. I only really still work there for the discount and because I like most of my fellow associates. I really do enjoy the knowledge of the brand and products that I can share with the customer, but honestly, I'm taking a grad level course next semester and I don't know if I'll be able to take it all. I've been very back and forth about quitting, and yesterday was almost my breaking point. It's not really anything to get into, but it could be a big turning point in my "adult life."

I did enjoy the fashion show, though!

Is the end of the world on Friday? If so, I'll be working a 12 hour day, then drinking with my friends! If I wake up hungover on Saturday, at least it will have been a successful celebration of life (and I will probably still feel like I'm dying anyway). Though, if the world does end, it will suck that my boyfriend is in China.

I imagine "The Day After Tomorrow"

I just downloaded Snapchat. I think I'm going to like it.

Per usual, I appreciate your reads, and I'm going to challenge you! Give me ideas of things to write about in that little comment box below! I think that would be fun!! If you don't think so, then OH WELL!!